Make Believe

A new day has come

2011-09-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

Gone will be the days of old where i seek the hidden secrets of this world. Pursue knowledge for another's sake, or just because I have no other purpose in life. Gone are the days of old where all i do is take the next step that i see. Which is convenient because that's all there is.

Rather in the coming year i will take a step unseen, an invisible step, with nothing but my heart and soul and faith in a God that i cannot see but choose to believe. I'm leaving school. No one else knows except my pastors and a close friend. It's still in the process of being discussed with my pastors. Although life isn't going to be a breeze, i know one thing, and that's that I'm not going to take my life for granted. It's time to move, it's time for action, it's time for me to put feet to my words. It's not about writing or dreaming or thinking. Yes, this is the dreamer generation, where ideals and perfect existence lives only in our minds.

But the thing there is this incapability to express it. The things in my head. God help me to express whatever im feeling and thinking. It's hard because my head gets all muddled up when i am thinking about deeper things in life. Like i feel like i have a lot to say when actually my mind's empty.

I will not be angry

2011-09-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, ok, stop going on and on about it. My mother likes to harp on about our mistakes instead of seeing the heart of people. I'm so glad God sees the heart of man, cuz man can't see anything.

I've learnt over the years that when she hurls these words at me i get so frustrated but i can't answer back and end up bottling up all these negative feelings inside. All my frustration has never been redirected, i just let go of them easily. I guess that's where i learnt to let go easily. If i can let go of all my frustration then i will not be upset. She always gets me upset with her words and tone. I really can't even have a serious conversation with her.

But i guess that she's treating me as an adult who does not need encouragement, that's not true adults need encouragement as much as a child or a youth. Are we still not human beings? Anyway, i shouldn't mind all these things, it's a minor thing not really a major thing like someone dying. But you know someone in her family did die yesterday, her niece's husband, leaving behind young kids. Sad man, just like when my dad suddenly died leaving my mum my bro and me.

Anyway i have made a huge decision in my life and its going to change my entire life. It was the hardest decision i've ever had to make, but i made it, and it's going to break my mother's heart. But it's going to be alright because I'm with You Lord, it's going to be alright.

It's not going to be easy, but who ever said that living a christian life was going to be a bed of roses? Jesus' life is a testament to that. Hallelujah haha!

a long time coming

2011-09-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

Time to start anew, again, and again. Everytime i come back its different. A different phase a different point. But it still feels the same. Strange sensations fill my head, frontal lobes. Its like an itch in my brain but I just cannot scratch it.

Everytime i come to this point i experience a profound sense of confusion. Befuddlement, headache and cloudiness. That's all i can say till this point. I don't even know what I'm so confused over.

I think it's a longing to be free. To finally live like who I'm supposed to live as. We are all spirit beings. I guess my spirit is in conflict with my soul right now then. But what am i supposed do, what decision am i supposed to make. What is the right choice, what is the right way, when is the right time, what is having the faith to make that decision and boldness for all the world to see, and yet to choose to be a fool in the eyes of the world but yet make the one that loves me the most proud. How do i make this decision. How do i choose to walk down this path.

And yet with everything comes a price. A price which i am obviously right now not willing to pay. But yet i know it's like, you gotta let go of the 5 dollars in your hand to grab the fifty. You cannot guarantee anything, but only by having faith will things flow in the Spirit and happen as they should, according to the Word. the Spoken Word. Holy is He, all knowing. While i am blind and naked, not knowing if i should take the next step.

We are all blind, we are all naked we are all unclothed in the world of His wisdom and His ways. We are not only blind, we are blinded as well.

By the things that are not real, by things that will pass, by things that will fade, by things that will never satify, by things that are not ... real.

Let's be real here, what am i doing really. What am i supposed to do actually.